You see the signs everywhere! In stores, on commercials, in conversation, and in the mail. And you are probably feeling just as anxious as your child for the return of school. Many parents are anxious about the school year starting again, but it is so much worse when your child has school refusal behaviors. It is more than the typical fear associated with the new teacher, new schedule, new classes, and in some situations new school, and new peers. It is facing challenging behaviors, excuses, and the permeating and very real fear your child is facing when thinking about going to school. It is the shame that accompanies the expectation to attend school, but the knowledge that getting to school is so unattainable. It is the desperation for the anxiety to be fixed, for your child to address the fear, fix the problem, to just be okay. It is the ongoing daily thoughts and worries of your own about your parenting, about your child’s future, and the unanswered call for help. It’s constantly worrying about your child and trying desperately to help only to no avail.

The ATTEND team is listening, and we hear you. We know your plight. We know your worry for your child and your questions about how to help. We see your trials and understand your child’s anxiety. Fortunately, anxiety is treatable, but unfortunately, it takes a lot of work. Through the school year, we are here to listen to you and to provide our best effort in helping you. Even though we do not have all the answers and we are unable to provide you a formula to beat anxiety, we can provide a few helpful suggestions to make living everyday with your anxious child a little lighter.

1. Most importantly, take care of you! Be aware of your stress and your anxiety. Emotions are contagious and without realizing it, you may inadvertently pass on your emotions. Own your stuff and model how you manage your stress & anxiety. Share the techniques you use to calm yourself. Take the time you need to reset yourself. Take time every day for yourself so you can be prepared to deal with others. This is emotional regulation, and the best outcomes will occur when you are regulated.
2. Listen! Words are powerful but not powerful enough to dispel anxiety. When our children want to talk to us, it is typically during an inconvenient time, but be sure to capitalize on the invitation. Do not miss the opportunity. Listen to their words. Stop and think before responding. Parents typically respond with either a protective stance (“I know it’s hard for you”) or a demanding stance (“It’s not that scary. You can do it.”). Instead, demonstrate support and confidence by listening, validating, and encouraging (It is a difficult situation to face. I know you can face this.)
3. Answer questions! At the start of the school year, children have many questions about their day, schedule, routine, expectations, teacher(s), classes, lunch/recess, and more. Together we can find out answers and work to ease the tension through knowledge. New and unpredictable circumstances make us feel uneasy and unprepared. We can find answers to questions, tour the school, walk the schedule, email teachers, meet administration, sit in the cafeteria, walk the route to school, and more. Reach out to ATTEND and/or your school administration and seek answers. Additionally, your ATTEND case manager is working to set up a pre-school meeting to finalize the start of the year.
4. Set up a routine and set clear expectations. We all live in a world of boundaries and expectations. It helps us make decisions and stay in line. Our children need a routine, and they need help to establish one. This may require a parent to wake up in the morning to encourage the child to get up and move. Maybe your child likes lists or a visual schedule as a helpful tool. Be clear and set realistic expectations for your child. Sit down and discuss the expectation to attend school and what qualifies as a “sick day” (see the attached reference tool). Prior to meeting with your child, determine the consequences for behaviors and for missed days of school. Be very clear about the consequences. Make sure your child knows what happens at home when attending and when missing school. If you are married, discuss appropriateness of consequences (missing school = no electronics, no trips outside the house, etc). Discuss how you will enforce these expectations. And then follow through. Be consistent.
5. Communicate! Share with ATTEND and school officials. Be open and honest about your struggle and your hesitations about suggestions. You know your child best. We are a team and want to work side by side along this journey.

For more information, check out our sources:

https://childmind.org/article/back-school-anxiety/

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/5-tips-to-ease-backtoschool-anxiety

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/school-anxiety-and-refusal/